by Mandee Mostrom
This is me.
This is my god.
My god is always good. My god is always right. Praise be to my god.
I go to church every Sunday. Every Sunday that I am not hungover, sleeping in, or tired, I go to church. Worshipping this lord of mine. My god lets me miss church sometimes because my god understands that it is hard to focus when a hangover is stomping around in my head. My god gets me that way.
I pray to my god every day. Every day that I remember, I pray to my god. I remind my god what I need, and I ask my god to satisfy those needs. Sometimes, I ask my god for peace on my way to work. When traffic is heavy, I ask my god to get me to work safely and on time. My god understands if I have to speed and honk my horn when the guy in front of me is driving too slow for the fast lane. It feels good when I remember to start my day with my god.
I have a book that I like to read when I am not too busy. It is sometimes called “The Good Book.” It is about my god. I like to read certain parts of my good book because those are the parts that give the clearest depiction of who my god is. It helps me get to know my god. It helps me understand that my god loves me. My god loves me so much that I am allowed to be me. My god doesn’t want to change me because my god would never give me more than I can handle. I think I read that in my good book once. I love my good book.
My god lets me love whatever I want to love. My god helps me love myself even when I think I can’t. My god reminds me that I am lovable. My god reminds me that my god has plans for me. My god always makes sure that my god’s plans line up with my plans too. My god and I are good planners.
Sometimes, my god helps me love other people. Other times, I don’t want to love other people because they don’t deserve my love. My god lets me bend the rules when I have good reason. In the case of love, there are plenty of reasons why I shouldn’t be forced to love someone who deserves hate.
My god knows that some people might mistreat me, but my god would never let them mistreat me too much. My god punishes the people who mistreat me too much. Sometimes when they aren’t punished in a timely manner, my god allows me to take matter into my own hands. My god knows I’ll only mistreat them back if they really deserve it. My god applauds my passion for justice.
My god is aware of my predisposition toward disliking others that are not like me or my god. My god thinks it is a perfectly logical sentiment. Before I discovered my god, I tried to understand the people that are different than me, but then my god told me that they were different because they didn’t have a god like mine. They were evil. Some of them. Others were blind. My god thinks I don’t need to waste my time with others that are blind and evil and different. It is best that I stay away from the blind and the evil and the different. At least, that is what my god tells me.
My good book has lots of stories about my god. There is one story about when my god changed water to wine. My god says I can fill my cup with water or wine because my god likes both. I don’t have to feel bad about drinking too much wine or liquor or beer. In fact, I don’t have to feel bad about anything at all. My god never wants me to feel bad because bad is the opposite of good, and my god is good.
Another time, my god flipped over a bunch of tables in an angry fit, so my god understands that sometimes I have to punch a wall and yell when I am upset. My god thinks punching walls is fine. Punching people is usually wrong- so are things like name calling and bullying. That is what my god tells me. Unless of course the other person deserves it. My god understands the need to bend the rules when necessary.
My good book has this other story about sex. In fact, there are lots of stories about sex in my good book. After all, my god spent a lot of time with prostitutes. That is why my god lets me go to strip clubs when I feel like it. My god and I believe that strip clubs are not bad. My god and I also believe in sex. It doesn’t matter how it happens or who it’s with. The details aren’t important according to my god. You see, my god made sex for me because it feels good, and my god wants me to feel good.
My god also wants me to tell the truth because my god is a truth-teller. My god tells the truth- especially when it is hard to hear. That is why I am not afraid to tell people things that might seem rude or mean. I am not afraid to tell the truth because if it is the truth, then I shouldn’t be afraid to say it. When I see tears welling up and fists clenching immediately following a hearty dose of my truth-telling, I remind myself that I shouldn’t feel bad for them. After all, someone needed to call them out. My god agrees with my truths. My god and I like to call it justice. I shouldn’t feel bad for telling it like it is when someone deserves a heavy dose of truth. I love my god’s dedication to my truth and my justice.
I often wonder if my god would ever smoke with me. My good book doesn’t talk about smoking. My good book does say that I shouldn’t be anxious. Smoking relaxes me. Relaxed is the opposite of anxious. Yes, my god would definitely smoke with me. That makes me happy to know my god cares for my relaxation.
My god is happy when I am happy. That’s what it so great about my god. Even when I am not happy and my world is falling apart, my god takes all the blame. Nothing is my fault. My god is so nice to me.
I want to tell everyone about my god, but some people don’t enjoy talking about anyone’s god. It is kind of an uncomfortable conversation, but I try to explain that my god is flexible. I try to explain that my god isn’t like other gods because my god knows how individuals have unique needs. My god might look different to each person, but my god is ok with adjusting to his children on a case by case basis. Lots of my friends believed in my god so much that they’ve created their own gods too. Some of my friends don’t believe in god at all, but that’s ok, as long as they feel good about themselves. After all, I don’t want to make anyone think I am pushing them into believing in my god. My god isn’t pushy.
Other friends don’t mind talking about my god. They don’t think I am being pushy. One night, my friends and I talked about my god for hours. I wanted to invite them to my church to help them learn more about my god, but I think we ran out of beer before I was able to invite them. I guess I don’t really remember much of the details. My god wants me to tell others about my god and my good book, so when the time is right, I might tell everyone about my god.
It would be rather difficult to tell everyone about my god. Everyone is a lot of people. Luckily, my god never makes me do anything too difficult. Change is difficult too. I am glad my god does not expect me to change overnight. My god knows that I’ll change someday. It takes time. My god lets me decide if and when change is necessary. My god is patient with me.
My god knows that I need time. Even if I may not deserve it, my god will give me more time if I need it. My god is merciful like that. I am grateful that I have a merciful god. My god would never make me do anything I do not want to do. My god wants me to feel good about myself and my beliefs.
I learn more about my god and my beliefs every time I remember to go to church, but sometimes, my church makes me feel bad about myself. I think it is because my church doesn’t realize how forgiving my god really is. Other times I think my church is wrong about my god, so I find a new church that understands my god like I understand my god. My god wants me to go to a church that serves my wants and needs without making me question my relationship with my god.
I smile knowing that my god would never make it too difficult for me to be good to my god. My god is good to me because I am good to my god. I am good to my god because my god is me.